A Woman’s Week at the Gym
I just about died while reading this. It was posted on the SunshineRewards Forums not too long ago and I just had to share it. It should perk all of us non-gym lovers up and allow us to appreciate working out at our own pace - not someone else’s.
A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. She said some more stupid stuff too.
______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if
you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little pain in the butt) will choose a gift for me that is
fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
